Well, I
cheated last night. I let my hunger get
too much (I didn’t eat lunch) because we were in Pensacola at the hospital with
my Grandpa. And Ken’s sugar was dropping too.
I should have made a better decision (like a salad) but we were at
Tuscan Oven, haha. And apparently my
will-power sucked. It will be okay. I will overcome this mind game. I also stopped by Starbucks (pure craving, no
excuses), and although ANYTHING from there is off of the strict protocol of the
HCG diet, I made wise choices. My
all-time favorite drink from there is the Java Chip Frap. This time though we went skinny (1% milk) AND
sugar free. The only thing with sugar
was the chocolate chips – and I had them put ½ the amount in.
It tasted really good! I was
impressed.
I did
something yesterday that I haven’t done in a long time. I exercised.
Yesterday morning while I was folding clothes I did squats to get the
clothes out of the dryer, and ran in place while I was folding it. Then, I went
to visit a dear friend of mine and we went on a walk so her daughter could ride
her bike, probably about ½ - 1 mile at a leisurely pace. I believe that was my saving grace.
My
weight, is still the same. 235.6
I had a
breakthrough yesterday though while talking to my dear friend, because – see –
I have done this before, lose a lot of weight (40lbs) on my own, no diet
supplement, no HCG, no Hoodia, just Tosha and her food choices. And little by little God has been revealing
to me what was going on when I started gaining it back about a year and a half
to two years ago. I got depressed. In some cases, on some days, severely
depressed.
I wanted
a baby so bad it trumped everything else in my life. I wanted it over building a relationship with
my husband. I wanted it over growing
closer to God. I wanted it now and on my
terms.
In no
uncertain terms, I was throwing one heck of a temper tantrum in the form of
depression.
<This
is really hard to write. To admit to
myself, much less anyone else! >
Nevermind
that God had promised me, through a few different ways, that He would give us a
baby. I didn’t see it happening after a
year to a year and a half, so I lost sight in the important things. I would wallow in my self-pity for days after
TOM. Sometimes not getting out of bed, eating house and home (because I am an
emotional eater and food made me feel better).
I stopped trying to take care of myself and my home. I was miserable. And I knew it was depression, I remember even
talking to my mom about going on medication.
But back
to the food portion.
I tried
diets, pills, all the “new” things. But
nothing worked, because I didn’t have the will-power to follow through. I let the depression control me.
NOT
ANYMORE
I see it
for what it is, and I WILL OVERCOME with God’s help – and ONLY with His help,
because I know I cannot do it on my own.
After I
am finished with this round of HCG – I am going to go back to cooking and
counting my calories. Keeping out breads,
rice, pastas, and sugars. I will not
deprive myself, but I will eat in portion.
I can do this with God’s help.
