Day 14 - rambler

Well, I cheated last night.  I let my hunger get too much (I didn’t eat lunch) because we were in Pensacola at the hospital with my Grandpa. And Ken’s sugar was dropping too.  I should have made a better decision (like a salad) but we were at Tuscan Oven, haha.  And apparently my will-power sucked.  It will be okay.  I will overcome this mind game.  I also stopped by Starbucks (pure craving, no excuses), and although ANYTHING from there is off of the strict protocol of the HCG diet, I made wise choices.  My all-time favorite drink from there is the Java Chip Frap.  This time though we went skinny (1% milk) AND sugar free.  The only thing with sugar was the chocolate chips – and I had them put ½ the amount in.  It tasted really good!  I was impressed.

I did something yesterday that I haven’t done in a long time.  I exercised.  Yesterday morning while I was folding clothes I did squats to get the clothes out of the dryer, and ran in place while I was folding it. Then, I went to visit a dear friend of mine and we went on a walk so her daughter could ride her bike, probably about ½ - 1 mile at a leisurely pace.  I believe that was my saving grace. 

My weight, is still the same.  235.6 

I had a breakthrough yesterday though while talking to my dear friend, because – see – I have done this before, lose a lot of weight (40lbs) on my own, no diet supplement, no HCG, no Hoodia, just Tosha and her food choices.  And little by little God has been revealing to me what was going on when I started gaining it back about a year and a half to two years ago.  I got depressed.  In some cases, on some days, severely depressed. 

I wanted a baby so bad it trumped everything else in my life.  I wanted it over building a relationship with my husband.  I wanted it over growing closer to God.  I wanted it now and on my terms. 

In no uncertain terms, I was throwing one heck of a temper tantrum in the form of depression. 

<This is really hard to write.  To admit to myself, much less anyone else! >

Nevermind that God had promised me, through a few different ways, that He would give us a baby.  I didn’t see it happening after a year to a year and a half, so I lost sight in the important things.  I would wallow in my self-pity for days after TOM. Sometimes not getting out of bed, eating house and home (because I am an emotional eater and food made me feel better).  I stopped trying to take care of myself and my home.  I was miserable.  And I knew it was depression, I remember even talking to my mom about going on medication.

But back to the food portion.

I tried diets, pills, all the “new” things.  But nothing worked, because I didn’t have the will-power to follow through.  I let the depression control me. 

NOT ANYMORE

I see it for what it is, and I WILL OVERCOME with God’s help – and ONLY with His help, because I know I cannot do it on my own. 

After I am finished with this round of HCG – I am going to go back to cooking and counting my calories.  Keeping out breads, rice, pastas, and sugars.  I will not deprive myself, but I will eat in portion.  I can do this with God’s help.